The Most Stupid Handball, Like, Ever?

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Goal Celebration

Goal celebrations are a tricky thing. On the one hand I do enjoy a stoic Cantona-esque, "I'm sodding great, me". And on the other I like the idea of grown men staying behind after training working out who amongst them is going to become a prize halibut.

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Aleksandar Kolarov knocks out referee

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Mark Viduka Knows Someone With The Longest Arm In The World

Possibly the only time Mark Viduka will ever grace these pages

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Chinese fan attacks referee after double red card for Qingdao

A fan enraged by two quick red cards shown to the Qingdao Chinese Super League club at the weekend registered his annoyance by launching a kick at the referee and shoving a linesman.

The Slovenian forward Aleksander Rodic was the first Qingdao player sent off after picking up a second yellow card for diving in the 67th minute of the 2-0 loss to Shanghai Shenhua yesterday. The Croatian midfielder Stjepan Jukic was also shown red three minutes later after a bad tackle.

The foul sparked a melee during which the unidentified man raced on to the pitch and attacked the two officials, Chinese media reported today.

Yu Tao, the general manager of Qingdao, denied that the man, who was wearing branded shorts and trainers, was a club employee.

"The man was definitely not on the staff of our club. He was just an emotional fan," he told the Xinhua news agency. "The referee failed to control the game well – perhaps he was too young."

Around 100 Qingdao fans smashed up a car they believed belonged to the referee, Wang Zhe, after the match, Xinhua reported.



Chinese fan attacks referee after double red card for Qingdao | Football | guardian.co.uk
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A Game Of Four Halves

Preseason madness in Shropshire this weekend. With Tranmere playing but a bus-ride away in Mansfield, it made perfect sense for me to drive two hours to watch teams I have no affinity for. And, truth be told, if they hadn't been charging £10 at Field Mill, I might have been tempted. But really, £10?? For a friendly?In which the "big side" is Tranmere? Go away.

Welcome to afc telford
Welcome to Telford

So instead an early start saw The BoneShaker wend its cheerful way across country. Tunes this week including Mark Lanegan, Pretty Lights and Little Angels (who were from Scarborough, as it happens. And you thought I threw this shit together). Diverse, that's me.

afc telford FCUM
As a mere waif of a chap, as opposed to the more rounded figure who sits in front of the laptop today, I spent my University career in Wolverhampton. Or Dudley to be precise. And remember fondly the joy I felt on discovering the shopping centre in Telford. Nearly twenty years on, I have no idea why this might have been. It's still essentially a jumped up roundabout. And I can report that you really don't expect a place like Telford to be quite so sprawling. I'm not convinced they could have put the New Bucks Head stadium any further from the heaving metropolis.

Following a quick trawl round the charity shops of neighbouring Wellington, more of which in a subsequent post, it was off to the ground. At this juncture I should point out that at 9am, the weather in Mansfield was set fair. The gurning loon on the TV had said that it was likely to stay that way over much of the country for the rest of the day. So shorts and flip flops were the order of the day. As of 1pm in Telford, skies were overcast and it was trying to rain. Your correspondent looked conspicuous.

packed terraces
Oh yeah, I can do arty with the best of 'em
It occurs to me I haven't actually explained what was going on here today. In a sort of Lidl version of the Charity Shield, Supporters Direct have corralled organised fan-owned clubs from all corners of the footballing pyramid to a two-tier double header. The support act was to be Scarborough Athletic v Merthyr Town, preceded, oddly, by the headline offering of AFC Telford v FCUM. If this is to be an ongoing venture, it might be wise to swap these fixtures round. You know, the way that everyone else does it. Still, just a thought. And with that, to the football.

AFC Telford 2 FC United Manchester 0

Supporters Direct Cup


Whisper it, but FCUM aren't really all that good. Oh, I know it's only a PSF, regardless of whether there is some artificially created silverware on offer. And I know also that they have bigger fish to fry in regards to where they apportion their money right now. But they may be in for a tricky season this year, and unfortunately this will give fodder to all the clueless Man Utd-lite haters out there. On this display, albeit it against superior opposition, they looked lightweight and too short. They are crying out for a lump upfront who can hold up the ball and feed Michael Norton. And without Carlos Rocca on the flanks, they look bereft of creativity (yes, "bereft". I thank you). Telford on the other hand played like a good Conference outfit, and should be in with a shout this season. The ground is up for it, the support is there. And they may have the team this season.

Scarborough Athletic 2 Merthyr Town 0

Supporters Direct Shield


It was VERY yellow
Very much after the Lord Mayor's Show this one, and a shame, because it was a much more enjoyable game.  Like an old-fashioned European game, it really was a trip in to the unknown in terms of standards. It was also a good two hours away from the pie shop, which must have been traumatic for the Merthyr front two.

In a break from the usual lazy racist stereotypes, I can report that young Welsh lads don't think Green Street is a documentary, can hold their alcohol, and won't let anything distract them from the game of football they have travelled many a mile in the name of.

A couple of local Rhodes Scholars had hung around in the hope of engaging in a lengthy debate on the current fiscal climate, but unfortunately for both parties, the plentiful stewarding meant they were forced to express their opinions via a series of complicated hand gestures and contemporary dance moves. Neither of which served to fully express their frustrations I fear.

It's a shame so few turned out from the big two sides. And even more of a shame that only a handful of them hung around for the second course. In the past this Cup has been contested solely between FC and AFC Wimbledon, so opening it up to the ever expanding number of fan-owned clubs is a good thing. But it really needs more thought given to it. And why did it need to be held at Telford? Let Merthyr or Scarborough host it. They need whatever money it'd produce.

Now, since you've sat through all of this, head over to Fancy Dan Boots for the reason there are so few action shots in this report.
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Amazing Penalty

Unless you've seen this before, you won't expect it



(sorry about the backing track)
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Conversation With The Average Gooner

Contains mild swearing. And some proper swears too.

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Slippery summer fun: "Soapy Football"

First you have to get through 30 seconds of hairy Germans telling you something about something. And then the goodness of Soapy Football is unleashed. If this isn't sweeping the market squares of this fair isle of ours within weeks, I demand a Ministerial enquiry.
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Awful Football Interviews Of Our Time

Where to start? Just when the myth about the US and football was being put to bed, something as abject as this raises its head.

1. Tee-arree?
2. "that's our soccer team?"??
3. "You've just won the World Cup?"??
4. Europe is more racist than the US
5. tell us about your big scores

Jesus H. Bring back Hansen and Shearer....

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Player Strangles Ref

We all know South American football is nuts. And this video does nothing to dispel that impression. A penalty that had to be taken four times, eventually tucked away by Hamilton Ricaad (remember him?), followed by what Tyledsley and co would doubtless call "disgraceful scenes" of referee maltreatment.

Following the game, the guilty party, one Jose Pedrosa, said “I’m not sorry… I understand that I will be punished and I will no longer play for Rangers or any other team. I intend to get away from football, I’d rather be at peace with my family in Paraguay."


I suspect inner peace is not a concept Senor Pedrosa is overly familiar with.





First seen on 101 Great Goals
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The One With No Obvious Gags

Selby Town 0 Birds Eye Athletic 3


Pre Season Friendly


Previous entries into this soon-to-be-award-winning football blog may have given the casual observer that your hero isn't much of a fan of pre-season friendlies, and that with such a mindset, it was unlikely there would be many more match "reports" posted before the first actual factual proper game in mid-August. And you know what? That casual observer would be 100% correct. PSFs remain good for only one thing so far as I can tell, and that is watching football in flip-flops.

captain birdseye
(c) Flickr
 That said, when you are moping about on Twitter on a slow Friday afternoon at work, and you see that Selby Town are at home that very evening to a team called Birds Eye Athletic, you would have to have a heart of stone to not at least contemplate attending. How many chances do you get?

So, let's get it all out the way shall we? The captain was not a kindly looking older gentleman with a big white beard. He was, for the first half at last, an imperious, if ungainly, centre-half who dealt comfortably with everything the Selby side could throw at him. 

And on the rare occasion he couldn't, due to them having the temerity to use parts of the pitch he wasn't on, the visiting keeper was playing out of his skin. One save towards the end of the first half deserved a far larger audience.

After a bit of googling, it turns out Birds Eye Athletic are a Sunday league side. And that being the case, I can only assume that either standards in the Lincs and Humber leagues are much higher than elsewhere in the country, or they had drafted in a ringer or two. The final 3-0 scoreline did not flatter the supposedly weaker side, and if the two-goal number nine truly is a Sunday leaguer, the management of NCEL and arguably NPL teams need to sort out their network of contacts.

But it wasn't all bad for Selby. Actually, yes it was. Birds Eye could have had more, and whilst the visiting keeper had a blonder, pulling off another excellent save in the second half, in truth anything other than an away win would have been unjust.

If you are of a mind to, there are some more photos over on the Facebook site (ain't the interweb wonderful) They do nothing to enhance this post, amazingly. And anyway, Blogger is being an arse. Which goes some way to explaining the delay in posting this report. Although that doesn't take in to account my inherent laziness.
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Diego Forlan - The Cartoon Series

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Science Says Referees Are Biased





Fans who angrily questioned several calls made by soccer referees in this year’s World Cup won’t be surprised at a report in the journal PLoS One that found inherent bias in referees.
They might, however, be surprised that the bias is perceptual. The study found that soccer experts whose languages read left to right call more fouls when the action moves in the opposite direction, or right to left.
“We are used to moving our eyes left to right so we have a preference for viewing events left to right,” said Alexander Kranjec, a neuroscientist at the University of Pennsylvania and the study’s lead author.
Because of this preference, events moving from right to left are perceived as atypical, and referees may be more likely to call fouls, Dr. Kranjec said.
Previous studies have suggested that such directional effects are reversed in those whose languages read from right to left.
“It would be interesting to do this with Hebrew- or Arabic-speaking soccer experts,” Dr. Kranjec said.
He and his colleagues conducted the study on varsity soccer players at the University of Pennsylvania. The players assessed foul calls on images of plays, and were then asked to do the same on mirror images of the same plays.
On average, they called about three more fouls on action going right to left.
The news is unlikely to have any application to disputed calls in soccer since the referee’s ruling is absolute. It would also depend on the position of the referee and the language or languages he reads. So there’s little chance that science will calm the arguments that are as much a part of the World Cup as the games themselves.
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Crazy German fans celebrate third place finish

It's a novel way to celebrate losing a semi final...

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And that's magic!

I have watched this several times, and I still don't have a clue how he does it.

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Militias declare war on soccer in battle for Somalia's youth

somlian fa badgeFootball. The global game. Basking in the glory of another little bit dull really successful World Cup. Everyone's slapping each other's backs in the corridors of power. And yet, on the same continent, only a few hundred miles away, the game is seen a "satanic act that corrupts Muslims".

Let's see you dine out on this one, Sepp. You Bellend.
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Sepp Blatter Is A Bellend After All

bellend
(c) 7am Kick Off
Long rumoured to a complete arse, interested only in self-promotion than in looking after the game at large, BTFM can now reveal that FIFA President Sepp Blatter really is a Bellend.
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3...2...1...And We're Back In The Room

Sutton Town 0 FC United of Manchester 4

Pre-Season Friendly


Blue skies, they said
Every year pre-season rolls around, I, and many others, get all excited cos football is back. And every time I go to a pre-season friendly, I swear to Holly Willoughby (praise be her name) that I won't go to another one.

I don't know why this happens. During the season, I fully understand the folly of attending PSFs. I spend many comforting hours laughing at people who analyse international friendlies as these games had any greater significance than those between Maltby Main and Doncaster Rovers. And yet, come the start of July, I find myself with my nose pressed into the computer screen, looking for that mythical beast: an enticing game.

Day Release
Which brings us to The Fieldings, on the outskirts of Mansfield. Quite how this fixture came in to being is beyond me. Former Retford manager Mark Shaw, now head honcho at Sutton, no doubt has some contacts from his scouting days, butt quite where the cross-over with Manchester's finest (and I say that with no hint of irony)would be  I am at a loss to say. Regardless, the coach rolled in, as did approx 250 folk, many of whom seemed to care a little too fervently for this correspondents tastes, and "real" football was back.

The game itself was fairly processional  for the visitors, the gulf in class in no way negated by the summer break. Sutton had some big fellas, but it is fair to say that, in the main, they weren't really athletes. FC were somewhat dwarfed, but compensated by being better in every department.

Helped in the first half by the not inconsiderable slope, FC were attacking at will, with the ever mercurial Carlos Roca not really needing to get involved. New acquisition from Curzon, Michael Norton, appeared to have forgotten his banjo as he persisted in attempts to hit the bovines backside. And were the only two I recognized. Sorry.

There were other stand out performers, FCs #6 and #10 for example. But to these eyes the two real stand out players were in the home shirts. There was a brute of a centre half who really could have eaten all the pies (although not even in the same league as Darren Caskey, apparently) And there was the omnipresent athlete up front who must be good cos he had fancy-dan boots. And, as ever, he wasn't. Quite why shit footballers insist on drawing attention to themselves by wearing such ludicrous footwear is anyone's guess. And something which has been pondered for more eloquently than anything I can throw together.

If anything, the final 4-0 scoreline flattered Sutton, as Norton continued to be profligate, although he did eventually get a goal in the second half, from the penalty spot. No doubt he will be a success for FC. He has pedigree. And sensible-ish boots. As noted at the outset, I try not to put any store on PSFs. They are there for fitness, and to raise revenue where possible. But it'd be nice if the groundsmen mowed the lawn first.

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Ronaldinho is the devil

What do we know about Ronaldinho? Other than he's better than Theo Walcott?
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